Emotions

Excited. Scared. Anxious. Optimistic. Nervous. Hopeful. Angry. Happy. Doubtful. Eager. Overwhelmed. Educated. Empty. Thankful. Alone. Loved. Removed. Positive. Confused. Cautious. Consumed. Relieved.

Over the past several months, I've felt all of these things and more. Sometimes I feel many at the same time. That is when I feel most out of control. I think that has probably been the hardest part of this journey for me. I am not in control. As hard as we tried, there was nothing I could do to help us have a baby. I was taught that if you want something, you work for it. If you work hard enough, it will be yours. For most of my life, this has been the case. Until now.

At this point, I think I have moved past the fact that I am not in control, but for so long, it consumed me. The feelings of failure and emptiness that go along with not being able to do what I, as a woman, was designed to do, are almost unbearable. I just feel so fortunate that there is hope. Ever since we found out that we were candidates for IVF, my heart has not been so heavy. My initial feeling was relief, and then excitement. However, in the time since we found out we were going to have IVF and now, there have been a lot of days spent waiting and wondering. There are so many "what ifs" that it is impossible not to allow doubt, fear, and panic creep in. When I feel this way, I feel guilty, but at the same time, I know that I have to be prepared for all outcomes.

Over the past several days, however, my mood has lightened, and I've once again, shifted in my emotions! I guess the fact that I've begun my cycle has brought back my positive outlook. While the most stressful days are yet to come, the fact that those days are right around the corner gives me something to hope for! I'm sure my emotions will continue to fluctuate, however, for the time being, I am going to bask in the glory of feeling optimistic.

At first, James did not think it was a good idea to discuss our situation with anyone and asked me not to. However, after listening to my concerns, and need for support, he agreed that sharing what we were going through might be a good idea. I can bet that after what he's experienced with me over the past month, he's glad he did. He's had a heavy burden of dealing with my emotions, I can't imagine what it would be like if he had to do it alone!!!

In addition to my amazing husband, there are a few people who are really supporting me through this entire process and I am so very thankful for them. As hard as I try to talk about other things, conversations continue to be dominated by my discussions of my menstrual cycle, doctor's appointments, injections, and estimated dates. I just hope everyone knows how much I appreciate the support. While I hope I never have to return the favor, I hope you know, I would in a heartbeat!